Konkonsa: A Date With your Ex

They say that unrequited love is the worst, and that love that does not give back is not worth the time of day. However true that statement is; love is given more than it is hardly accepted, received, or returned. We always give love, and that is my understanding of how life works. I am sitting at the food court of the Marina Mall in Accra on a beautiful Saturday, overlooking that ‘airplane restaurant’, in all that chaos because my life has been too peaceful. Contrary to the fact that I needed the chaos, I was in need of some research for a story I am writing. Beside me was a group of three girls who just could not help bickering about relationships. For the sake of this post, I will call them Awo, Akua, and Ama, also I don’t know their names.

Now, I am no love guru, but why is everyone overly interested in being in a relationship these days? Is there a emotion war going on? Or is everyone overly interested in relationships because it is the end of days?

This takes me some years back when a young lady told me that she was 19 years, and she had to be in a relationship with yours sincerely. Are we not confusing loneliness with the need for love?

Meggie said to me the other day, “Do not ever confuse loneliness with the need for love. Just because you are lonely, does not mean you can replace that loneliness with a human being. Voids cannot be filled by people, because people are only human, of course, and cannot adapt to the shape of the void and fill it up like liquid, like milk does to a glass.” One of these young ladies, Awo, who was not all that by my standard, kept nagging about what her ex-boyfriend wasn’t, and why she had to call the relationship off. Awo claimed that she did not think he was worth her time. I laughed so hard it almost got me busted.

My need for chaos had found me an interesting pot of drama, and I ate my heart out. It was thrilling to hear all the things this young man was terrible at. Apparently sex was not on the list, and I was surprised. People usually tend to stay for the sex, because not everyone is good at it. Hello, 2 minutes men!

Since when did it become a man’s duty to open a car door for a woman, or to do all the little things which really don’t come with the terms of reference for such relationships? And that was just a tip of the silly iceberg of things Awo’s ex boyfriend was bad at. I wonder what her hands were used for during the relationship. It was interesting to note that this young man was not a man in waiting. Awo had not thrown the infamous line, “Give me sometime to think about your proposal.” as if dating was a business deal.

The conversation between these three took a rather ironic turn when Ama interrupted with a statement which got Awo rattled. It was silent chaos, and at best awkward. The eye exchange, and body language sent Ama ‘to her room’. Rather beautiful, if I might add. I liked this kind of drama, it simply had nothing to do with me.

These three ladies had sat down to compare boyfriend notes, and well, the odds were not in Awo’s favor.

People walk in and out of our lives everyday, and there is always a reason why people find their way into our lives. When we chose the people we love, we had no guarantees that they would love us back as much as we did them. We concluded that they do.

We always conclude that they do.

We tried our best, prayed for rain, crossed over a mountain, and still met a desert. That is fine. Half the time, we hardly accept love that we don’t think we deserve. However, everyone you meet has something valuable to teach you. Usually it ends up being things you didn’t know about yourself.

Awo continued talking about her ex-boyfriend, and my resolve end with a question, “…was this guy ever good at anything?” For your ex to say such compromising things about you after all the dust has settled, and you have parted, it can only mean he was as shitty (pardon my french) as some men come.

The reason I have somewhat allowed myself this mild gossip is because we hardly remember that the people we once dated or loved did us a favor by showing us what we don’t want in a long term partner.

That, my dear readers is what all exes are good at. They teach us. And teach us well. We love people for all the things they are, and the things they are not. Love does not discriminate. Our exes no matter how bad, were good people in their own little way. They may have been poison to our hearts, but they are, and will be a delicacy to others.

My ex was spontaneous, and she was great at it. She knew how to make me feel good at the right time, and that is rare. She always set my heart on fire, gave me sweet and sour, chills and burns. It was out of this world. More importantly, she accepted me, and that is also rare. Accepting people, and tolerating people are two different things. It is easy to confuse the two. She was secretive, and a complex puzzle that I could never figure out. She rode my heart on a dragon’s back and I loved it. She taught me, what I cannot put up with in any relationship- non-disclosure, and if you can’t accept me, keep your love (don’t want it).

Awo’s ex-boyfriend, I believe was a great personality, may be not for Awo, or Akua, but he could be a prince in Ama’s book. Listening to these girls had scratched the surface of old scars.

Briefly, my mind frequented the memory bar where old moments met together to reminisce of old days when I was a believer that love was independent of who anyone was. Now, I don’t know.

Because the whole ‘who you are is not what you do’  doesn’t work for me because that is like saying ‘you are not what you eat’.

I am sorry, but I can’t deal.

Can you name or recall one thing your ex was good at?

No judgement. Comment!!!!!